Advice · Humor · rant · Real Talk

A Note From 2016 To You

Hey all, 2016 here. It says MMXVI on the stationary, but that’s because Corporate likes the look of it.

Anyway … Yeah … this is awkward.

But uncomfortable or not I wanted to talk to you, so I’ve plucked up the courage to do so. Because, really, I don’t think we’ve talked nearly enough during my stay. It’s cool. We’ve both been pretty busy. But let’s touch base now, yeah? It’s kinda important.

There are a lot of things associated with me. I get it, I really do. Beloved celebrity deaths, a gorilla that got the short end of the stick, the overall condition of the planet, deteriorating alliances, a resurgence of nationalism, and even a plague of killer clowns. That’s a hell of a rap sheet to overcome, and a lot of animosity to try to sift through.

But, listen, I need to point something out. It’s not really in my defense, but more about credit where it’s due. Those deaths? Honestly, I didn’t want to see any of them go anymore than you did. I mean, c’mon. That’s a lot of love and talent to leave us.

But that’s not on me. That’s a whole other guy’s job. Have you met him? He’s kind of a dick. But he’s just doing his gig, you know? And, people, seriously, the gorilla’s on him too. Though both of us agree that what that fiasco’s been turned into since is a bit … ridiculous.

harambe.jpgReally, people?

As far as the state of the world, politics and how you all see each other goes, well, credit where it’s due. That’s on you. Not blaming, not taking you to task over it, but how you lot choose to play in your sandbox isn’t in my job description, yeah?

If it’s any consolation, I’m none too happy with the affairs of state either, but unlike you I’m not in any position to do more than kick back in retirement and watch.

As for the whole Killer Clown thing … yeah I’ve got nothing. Damned if I know what the hell was up with that.

Really though, it is on you when it comes to the old face-time between you and every other competing biped on the planet. And, you’ve been pretty occupied with adding your own flair to my time here. The Bottle Flip meme, Chewbacca Mom, PokemonGo (at least you’re getting outside again, mostly), PPAP, and a slew of some pretty funny Evil Kermit memes. Mannequin challenge? Huh. Okay. You’re entertaining, I’ll give you that.

But is that really the sum total of your contributions to this particular timeline? Is that what you’ve got for little old me?

Look, you are free to blame me. I mean that. Don’t let anyone tell you differently, either. Taking the buck as it’s passed is totally in my purview. I’m a year, and I’m here to help you mark the time and associate moments to specific spaces in that twelve month march.

So, if you want to post unflattering comparisons of me alongside photographs of a trash container alight with a roaring fire, be my guest. I knew what I was signing up for when I took the job.

dumpsterfire.jpgMaybe I’m born with it. Maybe it’s Gasoline.

Though, small aside, that’s the last time I’ll ever look for work through Craigslist.

However, while I’ll take the denunciation, I want to highlight the importance of introspection here. Taking personal stock, you know? I mean, like any year I’m honored by all the “Year in Review” articles that crop up. It’s kinda like belated holiday gifts. But how often do we get to see something concerning yourself? A “You in Review”, as it were.

Okay. That name sucks, but you get my point. I’ll work on that later.

The thing is, I’m about to clock out. My shift’s almost up, so the opportunity for us to have this small tête–à–tête is limited. I’ve already been talking to the new guy whose about to take over things here in the observation room, and I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t nervous.

Not about what’s to come or anything like that, so don’t go and get all Doomsday Cult on us. The newbie is worried about you in general terms.

He’s a good kid, though. I think you’ll like him, given the opportunity.

And that’s what this is all about when you get to the heart of the matter. Opportunity. Think of it like this: self-reflection and a chance to change. I’m not talking resolutions, here.

Resolutions are like the slips of text inside a fortune cookie. They’ll perk your neurons in the short term with something that seems timely or wise, but too soon it gets misplaced or thrown away with the rest of the snack.

fortunecookieExhibit A: A  poor tool for decisions regarding Life and Diets.

I’m talking real opportunity for change. I push that, because we Years don’t get that kind of thing in the perks package. You might be thinking this is some kind of sermon, and the “real horrible is you” and blah blah blah, but it’s not. Scout’s honor.

Okay, I wasn’t a scout, but stick with me here on these euphemisms.

I’m telling you, straight out, the secret that Corporate keeps forgetting to put into the quarterly newsletter: We Years mark time, but you’re the Captain on this boat. Also, I concur that Boaty McBoatface was a nom de guerre well ahead of its time. In any case, it’s not ON you, it’s FOR you.

Because, yeah, we’re just a measurement of time in the grand scheme of things, but we’re a hell of a lot more than that to you. 2017’s prepping as I write this. New year, new chapter, etc. Sure. But have you ever stopped for a moment to consider that what we Years are—what we REALLY do for you—is a function of stepping back and giving you and yours a chance to make things better?

Because we love giving out chances.

365 of them, in fact.


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